Pain is Subjective
by edwardcullen4ever
Summary: This is Edward's POV after he gets the phone call from Rosalie in New moon. Please read and review!
1. Chapter 1

This starts right after Edward gets Rosalie's phone call and is on the plane to Italy.

I couldn't believe she was gone. She jumped off a cliff. Because she thought I didn't love her. Because she had believed me in the forest. Because I had thought she would be better off without me and she didn't really love me. My family had tried to convince me that she really did love me and that we were meant to be together forever. _I guess they were right and you were wrong,_ I thought to myself bitterly. The one time I had been wrong was when there was the most important thing at stake! The worse part of her-I shuddered-death was she had died thinking I didn't want her. Even worse the reason she had died was because I had lied to her in the forest that night. I had lied with the best of intentions and had the worst results.

I thought back to that night in the forest with despair. I remembered the torn look on her face when she had asked, "You don't want me?" I had simply said no while inside my heart was breaking we had started fighting and she had said how we had been through worse and why couldn't we get through it this time, what was so different? I had told her it was different this time, I had realized I couldn't stay with her and we would be better off apart. I had been so damn close to breaking there and I wished I had. I knew my true emotions had shown for a heartbeat before I had hidden behind a mask. I hadn't told her a single truth that entire conversation.

I just couldn't believe she was really gone. My angel, my love, my only reason for life or non-life or whatever I was living. But not for long, I couldn't deal with this kind of pain so I would go to the Volturi and ask them to kill me. If they wouldn't I would force their hand, either way I wasn't leaving there alive. I knew that this would tear apart my family apart but I didn't really care anymore. As I had told Bella before I was essentially a selfish creature. I winced at the thought of her name. Figures that the one time I wasn't thinking of myself I had hurt the only one I ever cared about.

I was thinking too much so I put on some headphones on put on the radio.

_The final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was love_

I angrily changed the station.

_Let me know that I've done wrong  
When I've known this all along_

I changed it again.

_Now my life is changing, its always re-arranging it's always getting stranger then I thought it ever could_

I gave up and let the song play even though it reminded me too much of how Bella had affected my life and how I had felt when I was still with her and she was alive. Damn it Bella! How could she do this to me? She had promised not to do anything reckless or stupid! Well in my book jumping off a freaking cliff was pretty damn stupid. It wasn't supposed to be like this! She was supposed to live a normal happy _long_ life. Not a miserable existence in which she jumped off a cliff! I knew I was using anger at Bella to try and lessen the pain but I didn't really care. She had promised not to do anything like that and she did it anyways! How could she do that to me? _It's because you left her by feeding her a lie that made death seem like a welcome alternative. Not to mention the fact that since she loved you, you had broken your promise as soon as you made it because it would be impossible to forget you existed._ The voice in my head was right and I let myself feel the grief and started dry sobbing miserably. I let myself wallow in grief until the pilot announced we were in Volterra, Italy. It was time for me to be rid of my pain. Maybe, just maybe Carlisle was right and my Bella would be waiting for me. I quickly crushed that thought. Even if vampires weren't dammed to a life in hell I certainly would be for hurting an angel such as Bella like I had. People were getting off the plane so I stood. It was time…


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2:

I was in a trance as I got off the plane and went to the Volturi. All I could think about was how much I had screwed up. I hadn't fed in weeks and I knew that my eyes were pitch black but it didn't matter. I couldn't even feel the thirst or smell the blood. My pain of loosing her was so great it was overpowering me. I would give anything just to see her wonderful blush, her deep brown eyes that let me feel like I could see into her soul, her warm brown hair, her heart shaped face, her adorable klutziness. I loved her so much and I just wanted to take back my cruel words in the forest. How could she of believed it would ever be possible for me not to need her? I wasn't worthy of her! _She's always thought the exactly same thing about you._ The voice in my head said back. It was right. She had always thought she wasn't deserving of me.

I finally reached the Volturi and asked the receptionist for Aro. She understood and waved me through. When I got into the room I realized that I couldn't read thoughts right now either. I didn't really care because all I wanted to do was get killed. Which the vampires in front of me could do. When I reached them I introduced myself. "My name is Edward Cullen.

"Ah welcome Edward I am Aro and welcome to the Volturi. I trust everything is ok with my old friend Carlisle?"

"Thank you Aro. And to answer your question yes Carlisle is doing fine. He is currently working in a hospital in Denali, Alaska."

"So he is still a vegetarian. How many are in your clan now?"

"There is Carlisle and his mate Esme, Emmett and his mate Rosalie, Jasper and his mate Alice, and me. So 7 total."

"So you still don't have a mate and are the only outsider. I am pleasantly surprised that Carlisle has managed to find so many that share in his dream."

"No I found my mate but she was killed."

"I'm so sorry we will be happy to hunt down the vampire that killed her."

"She wasn't killed by a vampire she jumped off a cliff."

"Well then what is the problem? Jumping off a cliff wouldn't have hurt her! Well unless she was…"

"Human." I finished for Aro.

"Maybe you should start form the beginning." Aro said holding up his hand.

Carlisle had already filled me in on Aro's power so I nodded and put my hand up by his. I saw his expressions change as he saw my memories. Finally he pulled back and raised an eyebrow at me. I nodded.

"You know killing a vampire isn't an east or painless thing. Jane why don't you give him a little taste of what it feels like. Then a little girl came up behind him and smiled at me. I felt searing pain through my body but it paled in comparison to the heartbreak and loss I was feeling so I didn't even flinch. The pain got greater but I didn't care. I could deal with this kind of pain every second of every day if I could have Bella back with me for just a minute so I could apologize to her and tell her how much I love her. Eventually the pain stopped when a puzzled Aro called off a furious Jane.

"Aro, if that's all the pain I have to go through it will be nothing."

"I must say I am surprised. No one has ever handled Jane's ability like that. Well let me discuss this with everyone. Marcus will lead you to your quarters until we have reached our decision. You are dismissed." Aro said waving his hand.

I nodded and Marcus came and motioned for me to follow him without a word. I followed alongside him. "I can understand what it is like to loose your true love Edward. The pain won't lessen I won't lie to you. But you can learn to deal with it better. However I will vote on your side, but I request you first think about what it would do to your family and what it would have done to your mate. How would you have felt if she did the same thing?"

"She did do the same thing Marcus. She jumped off a cliff intentionally. She was trying to kill herself. And it was all my fault." I explained in a dull voice.

"How so?"

"I left her saying I didn't love her anymore. She believed me."

"I don't entirely understand but I won't push you on the subject. I do understand how you feel Edward. I will try to help you believe me on that."

"Thank you Marcus I appreciate it. Farewell."

He nodded and left without another word. I sat and stared at the ceiling in silence. I spent the time thinking about Bella.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

How long I sat in that room waiting I know not but I did know that no matter how hard I tried not to think about _her_ it was useless. I couldn't escape the utter hopelessness and pain of my situation. How long it could take the Volturi to make a decision I didn't know but if it wasn't soon I might literally explode. The only comfort was the knowledge that I would soon be dead in any case. I finally heard someone outside the door.

"Edward we have come to a decision." Marcus said.

I hastily opened the door in hope they had given into my demands. When I did however I saw Marcus had a look of sympathy and knew it would not be as I had hoped.

"If you would come with me back to the others we will tell you of our decision." His mind, however said something else.

_More their decision than mine. Maybe he will accept but somehow I doubt it. If his pain is really as great as it seems he will not be satisfied with this and will have to take drastic measures._

I didn't understand all of his thoughts but I could tell they weren't planning on accepting my request right away. So I would have to force their hand. I probably didn't have much time though because I was sure Alice would have seen by now and was probably planning on coming to stop me. So I would either have to convince them of my opinion or force their hand quickly. My thoughts were interrupted by Aro's voice greeting me.

"Hello Edward and before I say anything else have you possibly changed your mind?"

"No Aro of course I haven't. I simply cannot live in a world without my love" I responded dully. If he honestly thought I would have changed my mind he really wasn't very clever.

"That certainly is a pity Edward. We have thought over your request and decided that we would like to offer you a position in the Volturi."

"What?" I asked. This I didn't understand. Surely he had realized that I would not accept to that. "Aro you should realize that I can't live in a world without my Bella. Besides I would be of no use to the Volturi."

"I have actually thought through this. There is no way a vampire could truly love a human. It simply isn't done. Besides if you had truly loved her you would have changed her into one us. Therefore I know that there are many vampires here who would love to have you as a mate and you could find real love with one of them. If you join us you can find true happiness and these feelings of sadness for your human girl will go away." Aro explained cheerfully.

I just stared at him in surprise and disbelief. Did he honestly think that? Yes, yes he did. There was no way any of the females here could ever attract my attention or love as Bella did. I had loved Bella with all my heart cold and dead though it was. I once again thought of how I had left her without telling her how I felt. Another wave of agony passed through me and I flinched internally at it.

"Aro I am sorry but I cannot accept your offer. My love for Bella was as true as any love you will ever see. And that is the reason that I must die. For I did the greatest sin one ever could. I killed the one I love with lies and deceit. I cannot live in this world knowing that and knowing that I will never again see Bella and she will never know how much I truly did love her." I explained for the, hopefully, last time.

"Edward before you do something you will regret please think it over for a while. However you are free to go. But I suggest you don't do anything rash or stupid." Aro sighed dismissing me.

"Thank you for your generosity but I think I shall take my leave now." I said as a farewell.

"Very well Edward. However I will have Felix and Demetri escort you until you leave the city." He said in a friendly tone. I could hear the threat behind it, however. The only reason was he knew I would likely do something rash and if I did he wanted someone to be in place to take care of me when I did. I left with the two vampires at my side plotting the whole way…

Well that is chapter 3! I hope you enjoyed it. I will try to update ASAP! Please review!


	4. Chapter 4

AN: This will probably be the last chapter I can do tonight but I will try to update again tomorrow. But it depends on whether I can get the computer tomorrow or not.

Chapter 4

When I left the Volturi with two shadows behind me I started plotting how to force their hand. I could just show off my strength and then they would get rid of me but that might not work and they may stop me first. So that plan was definitely out. I was very thirsty so then I entertained the idea of going on a killing spree throughout the city. It would be quick and my last moments wouldn't be used in complete pain since the bloodlust would take over my thoughts and actions. But then I though of my face when I had hunted humans and I didn't want to hurt Carlisle anymore than I already would. Not to mention if Bella was looking down on me from heaven like the angel I always knew she was she would be so disappointed. Unbidden another thought of her went through my mind.

_Bella and I were in the hospital after James attacked her. She was looking very distressed and cried out desperately, "Edward don't leave me!" I had responded that I wouldn't._

I nearly collapsed as I remembered that. Yet another thing I lied to her about. How I wished I never had. If only she had known how much I truly do love her she wouldn't be gone right now. I was a monster and she threw away her life for me. I remembered the day at the meadow when we had pronounced our love for each other. How awed she had been at me in the sunlight. The sunlight…

That was it! I had heard the local here talking about St. Marcus Day when supposedly all the vampires had left. The Volturi had been very careful to keep it that way and I knew it would cause them to react that much quicker if I made my move at that time. I thought about my plan some more and decided I should do it at noon when the sun was the highest and step out into the center of the plaza.

My plan being set I just had to wait. I decided to spend my last few hours on this earth with my thoughts of Bella.

A/N: I am really touched by the three reviews I have gotten so far and I really appreciate it! I'm sorry this chapter was so short and I promise to update soon. I hope you enjoy it! Please review!


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Since you have all been so kind I am going to update one more time tonight before I go to bed. I won't be able to go very far however since I do not have New Moon with me yet. I will have it tomorrow though so I should be able to update then. Thanks again for how kind you have been!

Chapter 5:

Suddenly I was interrupted from my day dreams by the vampire named Demetri.

"Edward you do realize that you have refused the chance of a lifetime. Please surrender whatever dumb scheme you have plotted and go back and beg Aro to let you accept his offer to join us. I can already tell you would be good in the Volturi." Demetri pleaded with me.

"I cannot join the Volturi for several reasons. One I cannot live knowing all I did to my only love. Second even if I could live I would return to my family. It hurts me deeply to be without them as well as Bella. Not nearly to the level but it hurts just the same. And third I would never fit in with you because I could not do what you do. I have long given up drinking from humans and Aro would never accept me unless I did. So Demetri I am not at all sorry to say no to your offer." I replied coolly.

"Then I shall enjoy tearing you to pieces." Demetri shot back just as coldly.

"I will enjoy it more. If it wasn't for the fact Aro instructed us to bring you back alive if at all possible I would do it now. And when I do do it it shall be long and painful." Felix cut in angrily. I knew it was because the object of his affection, Heidi, hoped she would be my new mate.

However I had more important thoughts to attend to and they were of Bella. So I decided not to let my temper get the best of me this once and let them have there fun. If they only knew that nothing they could do to me would hurt me they wouldn't try so hard. To know you have lost your true love by telling her you didn't love her and letting her die thinking that is the worst pain imaginable. So I left them for a world where me and Bella were still together and still happy.

A/N: Well that is the last chapter for tonight and I am really sorry about how short it is. The next chapter will be about him finding out Bella is actually still alive. Please Review and tell me what you thought!


	6. Chapter 6

I knew it would all be over soon. I would finally be able to leave all the pain behind me. The clock would hit noon in about 3 more minutes. I removed my shirt preparing myself for the end. I realized that this would hurt my family but eventually they would understand why I had to do this. Bella was my world and I left her for dead except worse because I had every chance to give us both happiness but I ended up causing us both death.

The clock started to chime. Oddly enough I could almost hear Bella's sweet voice tinged with desperation. I started to walk towards the light. Ironic enough, but I could swear I heard Bella yelling at me to stop. I smiled slightly and raised my foot to end it all when something, or someone, slammed into me. But I knew who this was. I felt the fire in the back of my throat flare up at the familiar scent. I held her up and opened my eyes slowly afraid she would dissapear the moment I did.

It was definately her. I had never seen someone so beautiful in my life. "Amazing, Carlisle was right." I spoke softly in amazement.

Oddly Bella looked panicked, "Edward you've got to get back into the shadows. You have to move!"

I smiled slightly in amusement. She was trying to push me back to a world where she didn't exist. But now that I finally had her again I couldn't let her go. "I can't believe how quick it was. I didn't feel a thing - they're very good." I thought out loud trying to communicate that it wasn't bad at all to her. And I hadn't felt a thing or even noticed them finishing me. I thought back to Romeo's words in the tomb as I pressed my lips to her soft hair. "Death, that hath sucked the honey of thy breath, hath had no power yet upon thy beauty," it was true. No one, alive or dead, could compare with her. I inhaled her intoxicating scent. My throat flared as normal but I could ignore it easily. "You smell exactly the same as always. So maybe this is hell. I don't care. I'll take it."

"I'm not dead. And neither are you! Please Edward, we have to move. They can't be far away!" Bella was still panicking.

What did she mean we weren't dead? "What was that?" I questioned softly.

"We're not dead, not yet! But we have to get out of here before the Volturi-"

I understood suddenly. There had been a mistake. I didn't know what or how but both Bella and I were still alive. And I had once again put her in danger while she risked her life for someone undeserving of her love. But she might not love me, I thought to myself with dispair. It might of been guilt only that dragged her here. But none of that mattered now. I got us into this mess and I would get her out no matter what happened to me. I quickly spun Bella around so her back was against the wall away from the edge of the shodows. I turned to face Demetri and Felix while crouching in a protective stance in front of her. I could hear their confusion in their minds. "Greetings, gentlemen," I said cooly while trying to stay calm as they were both thinking how wonderful my Bella smelled and probably tasted. She's not your Bella anymore, I reminded myself harshly. But I couldn't think about that now. "I don't think I'll be requiring your services today. I would appriciate very much, however, if you would send my thanks to your masters."

I could hear their confusion but I could tell already they weren't planning on letting us go. What had I gotten us into this time? And where was my sister who was almost surely responsible for Bella's being here?

A/N: Again I am soooooo sorry I haven't updated for so long. I just got New Moon from the library today. I will try to update again tomorrow. Please, please review so I know how I am doing with this so far. 


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